Chemical Happiness

My “head doctor” told me that my depression was due to a chemical unbalance in my brain had that I would have to take medication to compensate that. At first I thought “he’s got to be kidding, medication??”. But I took them anyway. I noticed that the horrible panic attacks stopped and I felt much better. I though “ok, so it’s working”. I felt better than I had in years. I even thought how was it possible that I had endured the anxiety attacks for so long… when a small pill could have fixed it all.

It’s been about five months since I began taking these drugs. Now I’ve come to the point that I’m questioning whether or not I can do without them. The day before yesterday I forgot to take my night pill and my by the next day, right after lunch, I started to feel symptoms of withdrawal. I felt like crap, cold chills and anxiety. What the hell is goin on? Am I addicted to these things? The thought of being an addict made me feel anxious and sad. Did I make the right choice? Could there have been a better way out? Now I feel like I’m just another one of those domestic addicts. How different is it from being addicted to other drugs? Just the fact that it’s legal and you can get the drugs in any pharmacy?

All these emotional improvements I’ve been going through, I feel they aren’t real. This is not real happiness, it’s a chemical happiness that only coveres up the problem for while. How do I fix the problem that consumed me in the first place? Will it be back if I stop taking the meds? Is all I’m saying just the after effects from the medication? Am I lucid enough to talk straight?

Today I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I’m not in my full capacity to embrace all that life has in store for me. The ups and downs are a straight line which I can't distinguish sometimes. Emotions are blurred and I fell tired.

But I don't want to feel the way I felt before. I'm conscient that if it weren't for the meds, I'd be a worst off. Maybe I just shouldn't think so much.

Maybe it’s today.