My XXI Century Diary
I don't wish to adjust to the world, I wish the world would ajust to me.
Wednesday, January 15, 2020
and thought of you
I closed my eyes
and imagined my hands were yours
and your lips where pressing against mine
I embraced myself
and imagined your arms around me
your hands on my back, on my thighs, inside me
I felt your smell, the warmth of your breath
I felt your skin on mine
You were inside me
I felt myself feeling you
Friday, September 29, 2006
Chemical Happiness
It’s been about five months since I began taking these drugs. Now I’ve come to the point that I’m questioning whether or not I can do without them. The day before yesterday I forgot to take my night pill and my by the next day, right after lunch, I started to feel symptoms of withdrawal. I felt like crap, cold chills and anxiety. What the hell is goin on? Am I addicted to these things? The thought of being an addict made me feel anxious and sad. Did I make the right choice? Could there have been a better way out? Now I feel like I’m just another one of those domestic addicts. How different is it from being addicted to other drugs? Just the fact that it’s legal and you can get the drugs in any pharmacy?
All these emotional improvements I’ve been going through, I feel they aren’t real. This is not real happiness, it’s a chemical happiness that only coveres up the problem for while. How do I fix the problem that consumed me in the first place? Will it be back if I stop taking the meds? Is all I’m saying just the after effects from the medication? Am I lucid enough to talk straight?
Today I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I’m not in my full capacity to embrace all that life has in store for me. The ups and downs are a straight line which I can't distinguish sometimes. Emotions are blurred and I fell tired.
But I don't want to feel the way I felt before. I'm conscient that if it weren't for the meds, I'd be a worst off. Maybe I just shouldn't think so much.
Friday, September 08, 2006
If I had't...
I didn't do the right thing. I knew it then, and I know it now. So what made me do it. Just fear I guess. I was a coward, and this will haunt me forever.
If I hadn't done it, I would have a year old child by now.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
The dream
When she woke up, she could still feel his lips on hers and her heart beating fast. It had been a dream...but why? Why him?
Questions
Why can't they just be honest?
Is this too much to ask for in the 21st century? I guess so.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
My favorite uncle died
Him and aunt Leia had this really nice house with a small patio in the middle, which had a tamarind tree (it’s a typical cape-verdean dry fruit). We used to climb that tree to get some tamarind and he would reprehend us, but not too severely. Then we’d have a big lunch and he would tell us all these funny stories. He had a contagious laugh and a wide smile. He was small and chubby and had a soft baldhead that we liked to tease with.
I can’t believe he’s gone. Uncle Tanche and Aunt Leia where the my family's best friends, I have no doubt about it.
But I’m sure he will remain in that house, looking after aunt Leia so she won’t feel so lonely. His favorite place was this room he used to lock so we wouldn’t go in. I’m sure that’s where I’ll find him when I go there.
See you soon uncle Tanche.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Friends
Yesterday I met with some childhood buddies that I hadn't seen in a while. It was the most fun I have had in a long while. The type of fun only possible when you meet old friends, real friends that know you like the palm of their hands even if we spend years without seeing each other. These are the friendships I prize; these are the friends I know I can truly count on.
I’m not an easy person to understand, I hold my thoughts in a very tight shell…but these people really know me. They see right through m eno matter what mask I try to wear. It’s such a relief! Not having to be nice if I don’t feel like it, not having to make up stories if I can’t show up, not having to be someone I’m not. It’s so exhausting sometimes.
But yesterday I took a break from that. I guess the few times I’m truly myself socially is when I’m when them. My childhood buddies, the ones I used to play with; the one I laughed cried and with. It feels like home.
I’m sorry that I rarely call or email. I should value these people more. I will never meet anyone else that I can relate to this well. I like to call them my amulet friends. They give me luck.
It will be a while until I see them again. But It’s ok. This time, I’ll be sure to stay in touch.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
It's hot and I'm bored
So, as long as there is no work to do (I’m really not earning my monthly pay check these days), I’ve been surfing the net.
Tears of grief and tears of happiness
Then I chose to brush it aside and focus on the reason I was there. I was there to meet someone I hadn’t seen in a while, someone who hadn’t seen her daughter in a month and I was there to witness a happy encounter. I should receive her with a smile. And I did, nothing else should matter at that moment. And when I saw mother and daughter meet in an incredibly tender and emotional embrace, I saw tears of happiness that completely overdrew the feeling of hopelessness I was felt before.
These moments are the ones we should cherish and hold on to as much as we can, because sad moment last long and always catch us by surprise. Celebrating life Is the best thing we can do.