Smoking, such pleasure!

I know smoking is bad for me. I'm not stupid, I know what it does to me. But damn, it feels so good. I'm not a heavy smoker, I only smoke about 3 or 4 cigarettes a day, but each time smoke I feel comforted and in a safe place. I feel relaxed and it helps me think. Isn't it weird?

Do I recognize my smoking as a habit? I guess I do. I realize I need that one smoke after my coffee that will make me feel good. But I think if I smoked a pack a day ou more, I the whole pleasure element of it would be obliterated by the need and craving. And there is no pleasure in privation, not the way I see it. There is however, a pleasure in risk, so you have a tricky situation. You want to take a risk, but you don't want to go overboard.

But It's such a hypocrisy isn't it? It’s amazing the kind of bullshit we feed our minds in exchange of a few pleasurable moments! We're so small.

But something this good has to be bad for you. It’s almost like sex, but with the counter part. Let's try not to go overboard in either case.

The numbness of summer

Summer has a way of washing away our anxieties, even if it's only for a few months. One afternoon at the beach, bathing in the salty and agitated waters and letting my skin absorb the sun’s energy is all I need to recharge my batteries. The sun gives me the energy I need, the heat helps my body to relax and give into a feel good kind of laziness and numbness. I'm in touch with nature; nature embraces me and makes me feel safe, safe from the daily turmoil, safe from poisoning thoughts.

Of course the medication helps too, but nothing like summer to make everything seam easier. When it’s summer, life just seams like a summer afternoon at the beach. Maybe there are chemicals that can bring you this sense of well being, but I would like to think that medication and drugs will never do the trick. Only being there.

Flying

The other night I dreamed I was flying. I hadn't had a dream like that in a while. When I was younger, I constantly dreampt I was flying. It was and still is the most exhilarating sensation one can feel. If a human could fly, this is what it would feel like, I’m sure of that.

First, I felt myself softly get lifted off the ground, my arms opened wide. I was floating on air like a feather. I felt a bit like swimming under water. Then I looked down and started seeing the trees and roads becoming smaller and smaller. Suddenly, I was up their with the birds. I felt like one of them, I felt I was silently communicating with them, in a way only those who can fly can communicate. I was one of them. I felt the wind caressing my hair and face; it was a delicate wind that was also guiding me towards the north. I looked down and there was a bridge underneath me. A bridge I usually go through by car. Now I was flying over it. What an amazing feeling. There is no other sensation that compares to this, nothing I can feel when I’m awake can equal the feeling of freely floating on air.

A funny thing about these dreams is that I always remember lifting off the ground, but never remember landing.

There are many interpretations about dreams of flying. I found one in this site that explains it in the following way:

To dream of flying is usually a pleasant experience and is accompanied by a sense of exhilaration and freedom. It usually feels completely natural as if we have somehow always known how to do this. Rarely is the dream accompanied by a fear of heights or of falling. Flying may symbolise liberation from something that's been troubling you. The obstructions and shackles that have held you down have been released and you can now experience the same sense of freedom that we see in the birds that soar in the sky. The sky may symbolise consciousness and spirituality so to dream of flying can represent the expansion of your awareness and the unfolding of your higher self ...read more

I haven't written diaries since the nighties

It's only fair to restart in the XXI century. I began writing journals at a very young age, I thought I could capture the moments forever. And I guess I did because as I read the pages I wrote a long time ago, I live each moment over again. Some moments I don't remember, but they are registered in those pages, they happened are where real. Otherwise, they would have been lost and put away somewhere in a distant corner of my memory.

You learn a lot from yourself when you read old diaries. I believe it's one of the best ways of knowing yourself. If you've kept diaries for a while, everytime you go back and read them, you'll be amazed of how many things surprise you about yourself.

It's good to be back.

This diary

...will serve the purpose of telling stories about a XXI century living experiences of a woman in her thirties. Be afraid.